I've had the realization the last month or so that the older you get, the more "life" you'll experience. Both good and bad. It's inevitable.
I am 21 years old. In these 21 years of life, I feel as though I've had a relatively easy life. I've never suffered any sort of physical pain besides shutting my finger on a staple on a bench and even then didn't need stitches when I was 11. I experienced my parents go through a somewhat messy divorce, but knew through the entire process that it was for the good and it was a relief in my life for it to happen. In my teenage years, I felt the loneliness of feeling as though I had no one to turn to talk to. With my mom being deaf, it was like we were in two different worlds- we couldn't understand each other and the different pains we each had experienced. I always wanted someone to talk to and express all my feelings to, whether it be heartaches or happiness. I was lucky to find this person early on in life when I was only 17 by meeting Jonathon and getting to marry him for eternity a year and a half later. In the last 2 1/2 years of marriage, we've never had loads of money to spend on whatever we wish, but we've always had a roof over our heads and food in our cupboards. We've only had a working car for half our marriage, but have been blessed with some form of transportation to get us to and from the places we need to be.
A few weeks ago, my friend Kat sent me a text message asking "Nancy, did you hear about JR?" JR is a friend of mine I had dated for a bit in high school before he left on his mission. I replied no and she called me and let me know that he had passed away the night before due to pneumonia. He was only 23 years old. I had emailed back and forth with him just three weeks earlier asking about meeting up with his older sister who was a dental hygienist to get some tips from her. From what I know, he got pneumonia and it was severe enough that he was in the hospital. Two weeks later, he died. Just like that. Two weeks! The night Kat called me, I was in tears. Not necessarily that we were very close friends, because we only talked every so often, but for some reason it just hit me so hard that if it happened to JR, it could just as easily happen to me or to someone I AM closer to. My tears were streaming that night as I was thinking about this. Jonathon then asked me "Is JR the closest person to you that has passed away?" And I realized it was. Besides my great-grandma Richards and my old art teacher in 5th grade. This was when I had my initial thought that I am only 21- the older I get, the more experiences I'll have and the more people I know could die too!
This thought branched off to many other thoughts, which I'll share later in this blog.
Just now, I had another experience that got me thinking about life and was the catalyst for this blog tonight.
I saw on Facebook that someone from my high school started a blog for Jordan High School-Class of 2006. It's to keep people updated on reunions and help keep in touch with one another on what's new. I saw a gal I had played basketball with a long time ago, Cali, who had posted her personal blog. I was excited since I hadn't seen or heard from her in such a long time. I was very happy to read that she had just had a beautiful little baby girl. As I was reading along, she kept mentioning her son who had passed away, Mac. I was curious as to what happened. She's done a great job with her blog and posting to keep updates with her life. I learned that two days before Mac was due, something had gone wrong with the umbilical cord and when she went in for a test, he had no heartbeat. A blog for Mac was created with precious pictures and comments. I have been crying and crying while I've looked at this thinking how I couldn't imagine going through those nine months preparing for a perfect little baby, and then having to go through such a sad thing like that. Her attitude on it was amazingly positive. Not fake, but there was a quiet assurance in her that she knew this happened for a reason and while it is sad, she has learned a lot from the experience too and that little Mac had made everyone who knew them closer to God.
So with these two recent experiences of passing away, here are some of my thoughts.
1) You never know when either yourself or someone you love will pass away.
-There is no time to waste. I never, ever would want to get a phone call hearing that Jonathon had been in an accident or SOMETHING happened on a morning that I had gotten upset at him. It's not worth it. Soak in all the good moments and appreciate everything about your loved ones. Even ones you don't know that well! Leading me to my next thought..
2) Get to know people better and let people get to know you better.
-Life is constantly busy with one thing or another- we're always busy! And each new phase of our life brings new stresses and new things that take up our time. While this isn't always a bad thing, we need to MAKE time for the important things. Kat and I had a sleepover the next weekend after we talked. She helped point this out to me because she said she didn't know JR well and was sad when she realized she had missed her chance to get to know him. Also, it has let me reach out and try to get to know more people better. At church I often sit by myself in class. I'm not opposed to talking with anyone, I just donn't go out of my way very often. The last few weeks, I've tried sitting with new people, introducing myself, letting people talk with me, etc. I've been surprised with how much happier I have felt and also the happiness it brings other people. Everyone (well, most everyone!) appreciates when someone else talks with you or genuinely asks how you are. Why not do it for others more often?
3) I want to be a light of happiness in other's lives, not a burden.
-I was thinking about what would be said about me if I were to die. Again, I wouldn't want the last memories people had of me to be that we'd been in a fight or I'd held a grudge. I've always thought of myself as a naturally happy person. It takes quite a bit to make me really get upset. But, sometimes, like everyone, I get down on myself and on life. This gives me a "Why me?" feel and it ends up with me being selfish. These last few weeks, I've tried to be very appreciative of people. I've made extra phone calls to say thank you for the little things and written more notes. I've really tried to NOTICE the little things people do that you normally just assume are a given and make sure they know I noticed it! It's really helped me be happier and those around me be happier too. I can feel it. This has a positive effect on every other aspect of my life as well. So since I'm happier, I can do more and want to improve my life more too. So, don't be selfish! It only makes you less happy. Do the little things for people that you know would help them, and don't expect anything in return. And.. if you WANT to be happy, you will be. We CHOOSE to be happy.
4) I need to understand my purpose on life better.
-With JR's passing away, I started thinking about how right now his body is just empty, in a coffin, in a cemetery somewhere. HE isn't there anymore. His spirit is gone. It's just an empty, lifeless body. And how this seems so weird to me. It led me to think about the Plan of Salvation and our purpose here on earth which led to a whole other string of thoughts and questions. I realize that part of me right now is scared of the thought of death because I don't understand it all quite yet. I am not prepared. I haven't done my research and studied it out! I've gone along with the Gospel all my life and I know that the things I do know, I know (that sentence sounds weird) but I need to learn more about those things that I don't know. Does that make sense? In another way, I am not scared because I know I've generally tried to be a good person here on earth. I did shoplift once in 7th grade, and I've stayed home from church a couple times to just sleep in, and I don't always remember to say my prayers at night, but all in all, I TRY to be a good person and do my best. And for that, I think I'll get some credit at the judgement seat. Anyway, I'm making it a goal this year and every year after to learn more about the Gospel. I know I can't understand everything, but I'd like to solidify my testimony a little more and have an even greater appreciation and understanding for what I CAN know.
5) Our purpose on Earth is to gain experience.
Like I said earlier, I feel my life has been relatively easy-going. I am grateful for this!! But I do know that with hard times and trials, we grow. In clinic at school, I've worked on patients I feel have been considered "easier patients." The few patients I had that had more stuff going on in their mouths, were the patients I learned the most from and I became a better hygienist because of it. Sometimes I've found myself say during prayers in the past "Please let me learn about blank... but please don't make me have to go through a bad experience to do it!" I still would like that, haha, but I know it's not likely. Sigh. And also like I said earlier, the older I get, the more I'll be exposed to those trials. I just hope I'll have the ability to understand it is for the good and be able to get through it the best way possible.
I am thankful for the many blessings in my life. Jonathon is my biggest blessing of all. I love him with everything in me. I waited and waited for a friend like him to come into my life and we've been laughing and enjoying life together ever since. I wouldn't trade him for anything. Nothing else in life would be quite as enjoyable or happy without him by my side enjoying it with me. We often talk about our future together and how excited we are for all our upcoming experiences together. This next year will be a big year. We will both be graduating from school. I will get my first real job! And.. my first big paycheck! We'll make a big move up to Washington to live in Jonathon's parent's basement. Jonathon will either be working his first post-college job or working on his master's degree. After that.. a baby someday! Our first little home. Our first car we buy together. Raising a little family together. Our next home. Maybe another dog. Raising teenagers.... and on and on. I can't wait. There is so much to look forward to. I know those tough times will squeeze their way in there somewhere, but I'm so glad I'll have my wonderful husband to get through them with. And all our friends and family who love us and we love them too.
A lot of gangsters "pop their collars"
Here is one of his only smiley ones for the day -
Mother and Son
He is almost signing "GRANDMA"
Mother and kids
